She said that children are not bonsai trees to be groomed and controlled, but “wildflowers of an unknown genus and species, and it’s (our) job to provide a nurturing environment.”

Tracey Masella, a social worker with Silver Hill Hospital, a nonprofit psychiatric hospital in New Canaan, led the talk and short question-and-answer session with close to 200 parents.

The program was also presented on Tuesday afternoon, with more than 200 parents in attendance as well.

With taking one’s life representing the second highest cause of adolescent death, and millions of young people experiencing high levels of anxiety and depression, Masella described a “public health emergency” traceable — in part — to parental and related peer pressures for success and high achievement.

In the process of trying to cultivate high achievement through various kinds of micromanagement, Masella said parents are simultaneously robbing their children of opportunities to develop life skills, as well as emotional intelligence.

In the video Lythcott-Haims described this “certain kind of parenting,” which is the opposite of neglectful but goes way too far in the other direction.

“Parents feel a kid can’t be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn,” she said, “and hovering over every happening and micromanaging at every moment.”

“All of this is done for some hoped-for degree of perfection,” she said. “We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at ourselves.”

Consequently, she said, kids are burned out — “withering” — and some are even wondering if this life will turn out to be worth it.

Masella shared background on brain development of young people, which she noted wasn’t generally equipped for all the weight and responsibilities put upon it.

“Their schedules are like some heads of state … with a CEO that’s not even out of elementary school,” she said.

“All of this is because we want them to be what we consider successful,” she said.

And because it’s what she called a flawed system enveloped in a dream of perfection that the parents maintain, when things go awry as they ultimately must, parents then intervene and attempt to fix all their problems for them, regardless of the cost.

“The kid learns a very valuable lesson — somebody is going to solve my problems for me,” Masella said sarcastically. “If I squeak loud enough, somebody other than me is going to come in and take care of me.”

Masella said it’s never too late to start sending a new message to one’s children, though as they get older it becomes more critical to listen to them, for random “teaching moments” from parents make way for peer influence by their midteens.

One of the key elements, she said, is demonstrating the values you want to instill through action.

“I hear all the time parents say, ‘I don’t care what my kid’s grades are,’” Masella said, “’as long as they try their best.’”

She said, however, that if you really mean that you shouldn’t go on the school website on a daily basis — or multiple times a day, as many parents do — to check grades and homework.

“That’s putting your money where your mouth is,” she said.

Parents, she said, will also do well to express less interest in school and more in their children themselves, showing them love and real acceptance.

“What’s the one thing we talk to our kids about the most?” she said. “School. What’s the one thing they don’t want to talk about?”

Masella highlighted other elements of wellness, including sleep.

“We are depriving our kids, as a society, of sleep,” she said, noting the impact on attitude, including anxiety, is corollary.

She also put in a plug for unplugging, even for 30 minutes a day, and highly recommended letting the whole household become “like a monastery” at least for a small part of each day to augment mental health.

Second Selectman Jennifer Tooker helped introduce the program, noting that she constantly hears questions from constituents about how the community can address various issues facing young people.

“We want you, our residents, to know that these are not easy topics to tackle,” she said, “and really it takes a village.”

Allison Keisman, a co-chair of the PTA committee, said the purpose of the talk was “to raise awareness and spark a new parenting movement in Westport.”

She told parents that if the community at large is able to shift its mindset and rethink the culture as it stands, “maybe you’ll start to watch yourself in overparenting moments.”

Westport students came up winners in the Reflections Program, a national PTA art contest. Each of the student artists won at the school level, and their work, based on the theme, “Look Within,” is moving on to be judged at the state. Pictured are the Bedford Middle School winners (l-r) with BMS Principal Adam Rosen, Jonathan Costello, Ryder Levine, Scarlet Gerber, and Courtlyn Crombie. Staples winners included Dylan Goodman, Caelin Reilly, Henry Schwabe, Clara Holleman, Nathaniel Kolek, and Juliette Savarin. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Contributed photo

“We face unique challenges this year,” he said, noting that reopening Coleytown Middle School (CMS) next year accounted for around $800,000 of the increase.

“The community has embraced two middle schools,” he said. “There are costs associated with it.”

Insurance costs are up about 10%, he said, and that accounts for about $1.5 million of the total $4-million increase.

“Our budget (increase) this year would be at 1.54%,” he said, without those two items.

“We had to take a look at staffing and a deep look at staffing,” Abbey said, “and that is not an easy thing to do.”

Abbey proposed an overall reduction of 8.6 full time equivalents (FTE.) He said this equation starts with a 18.1 FTE reduction comprised of 9.6 certified and 8.5 noncertified, coupled with a 9.5 FTE addition of staff Abbey said are necessary for the reopening of CMS.

Other cuts included staff development funding and stipends, facility improvements, and tech equipment.

“The current budget is a lean budget … It’s not a budget that allows for a great deal of latitude,” Abbey said.

Several science educators were in attendance speaking on behalf of their programs, along with some parents and town officials.

“The program design is what makes Westport a leader in elementary science,” said Mary Purcell, science coach at Coleytown Elementary School.

“Our passion led to this innovation,” said Phaedra Taft, science coach at Greens Farms and Long Lots Elementary

“If this were to be cut you’d be stopping a pioneering program,” she said, noting she was involved with its inception and that this would amount to dismantling all their work.

Mark Friedman, District 3 member of the Representative Town Meeting (RTM), said he understood the BOE was trying to balance its budget, but felt it was going too far.

“We’re starting to impact some of the things that make the Westport schools very special,” he said.

“I’ve heard the phrase, ‘We can make this work.’ That’s not inspiring to me … Making it work is not the same as making things great,” he said.

“I’m really disappointed to see this up there,” said Lauren Karpf, RTM District 7, sharing about the impact the program has had on her children.

“The reality is that there is an impact for many or all of these cuts,” said Anthony Buono, assistant superintendent of teaching and learning.

Following inquiries, several BOE members raised the question of Abbey’s choice to keep spending $90,000 for bus monitors, which are used on the elementary routes where students board and exit from busy roads.

“For me it’s an issue of safety and security,” he said, referencing the 1991 incident in which an eight-year-old student named Holly Finley, living on Evergreen Avenue, was dragged beneath the school bus and killed after her backpack caught on the handrail and the driver shut the door and pulled away.

In 2012 there was a very similar near miss. A boy’s backpack was caught and the Dattco driver pulled off without checking that he was clear of the bus. Fortunately the driver saw him at the last minute and stopped the bus.

“There are people who have different views than mine,” Abbey said, but indicated he would like to see monitors on all the buses.

“We’ve been told there are no other districts in America that have these,” BOE Vice Chair Jeannie Smith said.

“I would make a motion to add back in the science coaches, personally,” BOE member Karen Kleine said.

BOE Secretary Elaine Whitney said traditionally the board holds discussions on items to be reinstated or new additional cuts, and then votes by section.

She prepared a list that included several items for possible reinstatement to be discussed next week, including the science coaches, as well as the possible new cut of the bus monitors.

“I would love for the board to take a position of increasing money back in,” Abbey said, noting that if they want to keep the increase below 3.5 % it would mean staff cuts.

Kleine noted recent comments by First Selectman Jim Marpe, in which he touted the town’s financial reserves.

“Our reserves are in very good shape … That’s something we need to repeat,” she said.

“Why it’s necessary for us to go to this number, I don’t understand it,” she said.

Scenes from today’s State of the Town presentation at the Westport Library by First Selectman Jim Marpe and Board of Education Chair Candice Savin. Dave Matlow for WestportNow.com